I’ve always been the small one in my family. I’m the shortest and have always been busy enough to keep myself fit. Never a workout “buff” (not since my 20’s), I never really worried about any extra weight on me. Until now. In the past 6 months, I’ve gained 20 pounds. Added to what the insurance industry of America believes me to be obese, I am now morbidly obese. I have not topped the 200 lb mark, but my weight is teetering close to that. Why? I have a job that I don’t like; waiting around for phone calls to come in, stressed because I don’t feel armed to handle the questions people will ask me; I don’t want to do the work to find the answers, I’d rather just talk to people about the weather. I’ve come to figure out that I don’t have skills to make it in today’s job market. I just left a job that I used to LOVE; I worked there 16 years – I accumulated all kinds of skills; everything from customer service to custodial, lunch lady, etc., etc. I am a person who sees something that needs doing, and I’ll get it done. Always been that way. However, now that I’m dissatisfied with my current work situation, I’m finding that my skills are not worth anything. I’m a dime a dozen in the skills department. I’m trying to write this blog so I can increase my income because I can’t afford groceries if I pay all the outstanding bills I’ve accumulated. That’s a story for another time.
Back to the weight. I’m sedentary now. I don’t move around nearly enough. I love all things with lots of empty calories and fat content. Now that there is “good fat”, I try to ingest as much as I can. The fat that I’ve gained all around my body is now stopping me from doing things I’ve always taken for granted. I can get down on the ground to play with the grandkids, but it’s harder to run around. I have so much fat on my legs that my clothes don’t fit anymore. I either wear sweats or gym shorts. My joints are not flexible. Although I have an elliptical right next to my desk that I can hop on while I’m reading or watching a movie, I choose the lazy way out, sit in my chair and brood about why I weigh so much. I’m in a catch-22; I need to get those 12,000 steps in each day in order to lose weight, but every time I get to about 1,000, my legs start feeling sore, and I stop. I sit on my butt in my office chair and continue to read or watch a movie while feeling my thighs getting bigger and bigger. Why don’t I just join an exercise class? Guilt that it would take me away from our evenings together in case my husband needs anything. I feel that I always have to be “on call” for him, the kids and everyone in my life. I’m not a person to pick up a telephone and call a friend because I don’t have any close friends. I’ve learned that people use other people, and when you are gullible as I am, it only leads to problems. I should only talk about things to my hub, who is my only trusted friend.
This has been a mess. I feel all over the place with this post. As time goes on, I hope I can make better sense of who I am and get rid of the guilt that weighs on my shoulders.